I am Raja Nur Ain Sumayyah binti Raja Zainalabidin and this is my blog, it's mine. In this very little space from the World Wide Web, this could be the only place where in i can have my freedom to express myself, rant whenever i wanted to, post non-sense shit, type asdfghjkl until i get tired like an idiot. Actually i'm just fifTEEN and i don't act like what normal teen girls do. I'm weird and i like crazy things. I like the smell of an old book, I yawn and don't close my mouth even if i'm in a public place.. and i blah blah, i blah too.. enough. bye byee! You may click links and contact to be friend with me.Thanks !



THE END

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This might be the last post that I am about to write. I am going to move to a new blog where nobody can read my mind, nobody can know what I will be going through, just... alone. 

This post is actually for 'you' who always read my post. Thank you for being only my blog reader. Even though I know that, I know that I am not good at reading, I am not good at writing, I am not good at expressing my feelings in words. I meant for 'not good' because I will be like 'WTF yang aku tulis ni' every time I re-read my writing. Truthfully I am very grateful to have you as my only reader. You are the only reader that is still waiting for the updates. However, I can thank you enough. 

Still, remember our latest phone calls at 2AM?. Actually, I really regret the entire conversation even until now. I feel really stupid. I think that it was better if I didn't call you. I felt like I make things worst. You want to know what makes me say that ?. Actually, you're not alone. You will never be alone. I still remember that I said 'At the end, we will be alone, nobody gonna understand us, nobody gonna help us, it is on ourself'. Nope, It is actually wrong. You will never be alone. I really hope that you did not think that you are alone. You are not alone though. Seriously. I did not know why I said that. One of the reasons why I hate myself is I always failed to put up a good word for people who need my help even though my cita-cita is someone yang boleh motivate orang ????, that's all bullshits. *sorry for the language* It is for myself don't worry. I am really sorry if I always hurt you with my words. I really hope you can be what you want . I really hope you can be as happy as you are. I about to say something horrible but I really hope that you can take it positively. Life has its own procedure. There will be a failure, there will be repetition, there will be frustrations, there will be satisfactions. That's life. but nobody in this world is meant to be 'nobody'. You already did great. I am really happy for you that you manage to be where you are right now. It is not easy to be in your place. I may not be a good friend for you but put in your mind that I will be there for you if you need me to hear your problems or anything except our 'past' hm hehe kidding. Thank you for being my friend yang selalu ada susah senang. Thank you for being care for me. Thank you so much. I will be deleting this blog and move on to a new blog. Last but not least, thank you for being the only reader for my stupid blog. 

Stay safe

See you when I see you

Assalamualaikum

Hanya diruang mimpi

ku bisa mendakap mu

sentiasa meirndukan mu

hingga ke akhir nafasku

percayalh kau amat ku cintai

dirimu yang sempurna dimataku 

hanya kau yang dihatiku

engkau saja yang bertakhta dihati

tak akan pernah terganti...

idk but i do have this kind of thing that idk if semua orang ada. i can stay in a dream or leave the dream on my own. like i even aware that im dreaming. contohnya kan , kalau time tu aku mimpi and i know that im in a mimpi i can either choose to stay in that mimpi or i can leave the mimpi.

i think this is mimpi yg seolah2 Allah tu balas doa2 aku and apa yg aku impikan. walaupun mimpi tapi Allah give me that chance to 'feel' that thing.

Hari2 aku tenung ja tangan aku sambil doa , rindunya nak pegang tangan ayah . Nak urut2 tangan dia bila dia penat balik drive . and suddenly Allah bagi aku rasa benda tu dalam mimpi. Im in a car with ayah, balik dari mana aku tak ingat tapi yg pasti otw ke rumah. Out of sudden aku ambil tangan dia , walupun dia tgh drive . Tapi dia biar je sbb diaboleh drive satu tangan . Tapi aku nampak lah dia macam pelik. Aku grab peluang tu pegang tangan tu puas2 aku cium tangan tu puas2 sbb aku tahu aku takkan dapat peluang tu lagi. Nangis2 aku pegang aku cium tangan tu sampai lah aku terjaga sendiri. Aku bangun . Pastu aku solat aku sujud syukur. sebab aku terlalu gembira dan bersyukur Allah masih dengar doa aku , hamba yang banyak tak buat apa yg Dia suruh aku buat. But still dia hadiahkan aku dengan hadiah yg sangat bermakna untuk aku. Alhamdulillah terima kasih Allah.

 its kind of sudden

when i keep scrolling socmed

i think if youre still here

there are a lot of fun thing that we can do together

i really miss to see your smile

your laugh

your humour

your scent

i bought room fragrance wthout knowing this the same scent as your room

it kills me

this scent

still remember ?

the day youre gone 

your room smells like my room rn

i still remember our last night together

i miss you

 Dua benda ni ramai yang masih keliru

tak tahu nak membezakan fantasi dan realiti

cukup besar perbezaannya tapi tulah

ramai yg masih leka 

ramai yang masih lupa

banyak benda yg diidam

banyak benda yg diimpi

banyak benda yg dicita

disalah tempatkan

sepatutnya idaman impian, cita-cita mestilah realiti bukan fantasi

terjatuh dari tempat yg tinggi

disambut priya yang menjadi idaman semua wanita

fantasi

stupid enough to panjat tinggi without fikir bahaya

jatuh

itu realiti

harini seperi orang tiada arah tuju

bangun esoknya dapat panggilan tawaran pekerjaan

mulanya tidak suka 

tapi..

tiba2 jadi suka

itu fantasi

arah tuju, impian, cita2 bukan setiap org senang nak peroleh

10 tahun belum tentu

itu realiti

kau berdiri dekat bustop tunggu bus

tpi bus tkde

tapi hujan

kau redah

tiba2 ada sesorang hulurkan payung

itu fantasi

again, stupid enough utk tunggu bus pada waktu yg perkhidmatan bus tamat

tak sediakan payung

redah hujan

sampai rumah basah kuyup

itu realiti

kau sakit, dari jauh ada org perhatikan kau seperti tidak sihat

bila kau balik rumah, ada org letak ubat depan pintu

itu fantasi

kau sakit, bangun beli ubat sendiri

itu realiti

tapi aku tak nafikan

aku pun kadang tidur terlalu lama dlm fantasi dan tak sedar yg aku sbnarnya dalam realiti 

fitrah manusia

inginkan bahagia

inginkan semuanya indah

inginkan semuanya berjalan sempurna

tertipu dengan apa yg diperlihatkan

terlupa nak cermin diri

terlupa nak ingtkan pada diri

bangun dari fantasi bodoh

dan sort things out

nobody will going to help me

nobogo will gping to give my umbrella when it is raining

nobody will help me when i fall

nobody will going to help me to achieve my dream

its all on me

myself

wake up

if not

you die

with

full of regret...

basah kuup

 I just deactivate my social media accounts  except for whatsapp. 

I dont have place to share

so i guess this is the only place that i can share everything

i think i made a mistake again and again

i dont know how to put this

but i regret

for what i did in my life

i dont know why i was born in this world

was it to burden my parents ?

was it to make their feelings hurt ?

was it to  be a place where people can put their anger to

why people are so mean

they just say whatever they want to say

they just do whatever i want to do

i want to be that kind of person too

but i just cant

i let people step on my head

i let people step on my word

i let they do whatever they want to do to me

but still

i give them my smile

i give them what they want

i try my best to help them 

if i wont be able to help them just for one time

i feel worthless

but they must be thinking that i am no help at all

they might say that i am a bad friend

they might say im useless

can i just live on my own ?

without thinking anything

can i just run ?

at this moment i just want to run

i just want to let everyone know that i dont care anymore

i have already had enough

i just want to be alone

im just want to be disappear

im just so ... sad.

and i ain't lying

please somebody help me

i need somebody to heal this sick feelings

ayah at this point i really need you

can you just help me ?

can you just come and hug me ?

i miss you so much

 'Isolate'

Perkataan yang sering aku ungkap

benda yang aku paling nak buat dalam hidup ni

bukan tanpa sebab

banyak sebabnya

'Musibah' atau 'curse'

ya, aku ni ibarat pembawa semua benda buruk

memang tak boleh nafi

kalau boleh aku nak tanggung semuanya sendiri

kenapa ? aku memang hanya layak hidup seorang

aku tak bawa manfaat

aku hanya bawa musibah dekat orang lain

menyusahkan orang lain

'Tetapi'

tak semudah itu

aku masih belajar

dan masih bawah tanggungan mak aku

'hati'

kalau nak ikut hati

dengan duit yang ada ni 

aku nak lari dan 'menyendiri'

aku tak suka menyusahkan orang lain

tetapi itu yg aku buat 

sepanjang aku hidup 22 tahun 

belum pernah lagi menyenangkan

'Sabar'

yang aku boleh buat sekrang ni

cuma sabar

dan janji tak ulang perkara yang aku dah buat

boleh 'menyendiri' tapi belum masanya.

I miss you a lot ayah

please come back

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